Pale Girl Speaks by Hillary Fogelson

Author:Hillary Fogelson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Seal Press
Published: 2012-09-18T04:00:00+00:00

My Really Big Pupils

No reindeer slippers today. I didn’t realize just how attached I’d become to those monstrosities until I saw little miss “crazy smell” sliding toward the exit with nothing more than thin soccer socks covering her particularly large tootsies. I wish I could say the ’deer slippers are in the wash, but, judging from the sad state the soccer socks are in (worn toes to heels and a couple threads away from becoming full-fledged leg warmers), it’s highly unlikely.

Dr. Lesaux: Hillary, you ready?

Me: Yep.

Dr. Lesaux: Blinds open, right?

Me: If that’s okay with you.

Dr. Lesaux: And all the lights turned on. I have to try and remember how each of my patients likes it. Everyone’s a little different.

Me: If it’s not going to hurt your eyes, yeah, all on would be perfect. I like a lot of light because of my pupils. I have really big pupils. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed them before. They’re really huge. Now you’re probably going to be staring at them. Everyone always thinks I’m on speed or cocaine. Sorry, we’re, like, totally off topic right now. I think my pupils might be messed up or something. I’m not really sure.

Dr. Lesaux: Some people actually consider it a plus to have large pupils. There was a study done years ago, and the participants were asked to make character judgments based solely on photos of people’s eyes. Many of the pictures were of the same person’s eyes, just with dilated pupils. What the study found was, people generally assign more positive personality traits to people with big pupils as opposed to people with small ones.

Me: Huh. So, I guess when people meet me they expect me to be really, really nice. I must be quite a disappointment. Most people don’t know what color my eyes are because my pupils are always so big.

Dr. Lesaux: Brown?

Me: See? See what I mean? They’re blue.

Dr. Lesaux: . . . let me look at my notes for a second here . . . last week, toward the end of the session, we started to get into how your dad’s been dealing with his diagnosis. Actually, before we start talking about your dad, how were your panic attacks this week?

Me: Um . . . better . . . I think. I’m still taking the Paxil that my internist gave me. I can’t tell if it’s doing anything or not. When I get on the freeway, I do the breathing and relaxation stuff from your handout, but I still get really panicky in the middle lane.

Dr. Lesaux: And what is it specifically about the middle lane, do you think, that gives you such a problem?

Me: I think I get worried that if something bad did happen, like, if I started to pass out or something, I wouldn’t have time to get over to the shoulder.

Dr. Lesaux: Uh-huh.

Me: Oh, but I did have one really big realization this week. Some freeways have a shoulder to the left of the fast

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